The Game Guy Show

Saw this on the ol’ Game Wire yesterday and initially dismissed it as a “well of course they are going to come out with that.” But then I thought about the staggering number of not-as-good-as-sectarian products out there that try to be as cool as their non-holy counterparts, but always fall squarely into the “lame” category.

Which made me think about all of the great marketing slogans for the #1 product for the family afraid of popular rock:

“Just like Guitar Hero, but irritating after 20 minutes!”

“Shred with the Blood of the Lamb”

“Guaranteed to Disappoint at Christmastime”

“Like Rock Band for Canadians”

“Rock and Roll will never die… but Live Eternally in Paradise”

“For those who love to Rock an appropriately reserved amount”

“Christ had 12 Roadies, why not you?”

“Rock ‘n’ Roll for the Masses”

“Now with 100% less coolness”

“Rock so hard you’ll resurrect the dead!”

“On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other guitar-based rhythm games are sinking sand”

“If it’s too loud… then you’re probably right, I’ll turn it down.”

I feel like I could keep going at this for days.

(PS3; $59.99; Rated M for Blood/Crude Humor/Strong Language/Suggestive Themes/Violence; www.konomi.com)

How do you sum up twenty years of franchise history with more bizarre story elements than “Lost,” “Twin Peaks,” and “X-Files” combined?

I remember twenty years ago spending two weeks in the middle of the summer at Andy Phelka’s house playing the original “Metal Gear.” In a sea of shoot-everything-that-moves games on the NES, “Metal Gear” was all about stealth, about not shooting, and it was the first.

Now, twenty years later, the core element of “Metal Gear” haven’t changed: theoretically, a player could go through the entire game, and with the exception of boss battles, never actually shoot another character. Whoever does this, by the way, deserves a metal, because it’s near-impossible with all of the action and danger in the game.

I’ve played all of the “Metal Gear” titles available on consoles and completed a few of them. In the weeks preceding the release of “Metal Gear Solid 4,” I read a lot of story overviews of the franchise. As best and brief as I can sum it up, here it goes: Protagonist Solid Snake is a clone of Naked Snake, a war hero in the 60’s fighting against the Russians during the Cold War. After killing his mentor, The Boss, for defecting to the Russians (but not really defecting, more double-crossing both sides), Naked Snake becomes Big Boss who eventually defects from US service and attempts to control a walking nuclear tank known as “Metal Gear.” Solid Snake is sent on a mission to take out Big Boss. Years later, Solid Snake is sent on another mission to stop Liquid Snake from gaining control of “Metal Gear Rex.” Liquid Snake turns out to be the clone brother of Solid Snake and is killed by Solid Snake, but then Liquid’s hand is grafted onto the gunsmith, Revolver Ocelot after Ocelot’s hand is cut off by a ninja who used to be the commander of Solid Snake’s unit, Foxhound…

I think…

Liquid Snake’s hand begins to take over Revolver Ocelot’s mind and turns him into Liquid Ocelot, who attempts to control a computer system that was put in place by a clandestine group of individuals known as “The Patriots” who have overseen and pulled the strings on every geo-political event that has occurred in the past 40 years. The computer system, known as “Sons of the Patriots” controls nanomachines that are imbedded in every soldier in the world. Liquid’s control of the “Sons of the Patriots” means that he would be able to stop all soldiers in Private Military Corporations from using weapons- which would mean world peace, if not for the fact that the entire world is running on a “War Economy” and would also enable Liquid to launch an attack without anyone being able to defend against it.

Along the way, there are supermodels-turned-weapons of warfare, a vampire, and a fat guy on Rollerblades.

Yea… I don’t understand it at all either.

For those who have followed the series, “MGS4” is an incredibly directed final chapter with almost every bizarre loose end tied up. Plot twists abound between action-laden levels. The sense of world war occurring around players is astounding, and having to maintain a level of stealth in the middle of a battlefield is an exciting and nerve-wracking experience. Snake is never at a loss for weapons or gadgets to use in getting through levels; the introduction of being able to purchase weapons and ammo at any point in the game means that players can be as stealthy or as Rambo as they feel- making multiple playthroughs to see the Easter egg-laden game more enjoyable.

“MGS4” stumbles as a game by becoming less interactive as the game goes on. Initial levels see players having a fair share of sneaking and shooting time, but as the story progresses, so do the lengthy cutscenes, overly dramatic dialog, and bogged-down narrative. As the game moves closer to the end, players will watch more of “MGS4” than they will play. For those expecting traditional gameplay, this may become frustrating, especially when twenty-minutes of exposition are the rule, not the exception. However producer, Hideo Kojima, has always been candid in his desire to make an “interactive movie” rather than a traditional videogame. Kojima is certainly a frustrated Hollywood director, and its more apparent in “MGS4” than in any other game in the franchise- which is still good, because the PS3 has the power to create the visuals and the sound needed to create such a satisfying and production such as “MGS4” and Kojima has the heart and dedication to this series which makes this game so compelling.

The exhaustive (exhausting?) exposition doesn’t make this any less of a worthwhile gaming experience, but players- especially newcomers- should know what they’re getting into before playing.

Aside from the visuals and sound, which are stunning, “MGS4” doesn’t do much in terms of revolutionizing gameplay, but gameplay remains top-notch and intense- especially with revamped controls that are finally intuitive. Even with the frustrating controls of old, newcomers to the series should really start with the original “Metal Gear Solid” and play through “MGS2: Sons of Liberty,” and “MGS3: Snake Eater” to get a true appreciation for the culmination in “MGS4.”

The “Metal Gear” franchise is gaming history, everyone who owns a PS3 really ought to own this piece of history as well.

($59.99; 360, PS3; Rated T for Blood/Mild Language/Alcohol and Tobacco/Violence; www.bournethegame.com)

Every major gaming publication, and anyone who’s in the know, is talking about “Metal Gear Solid 4” as the stand-out game of the summer season. All the press and glory is going to that triple-A title which may be the single reason why some purchase a PS3.

And we’ll get there, don’t worry, but not before covering a brand new intellectual property in the gaming world that’s worthy of a good long look.

Robert Ludlum’s Jason Bourne made his big-screen debut in 2001 with the phenomenal “Bourne Identity” followed by two equally good sequels. Doug Liman’s speed-up/slow-down photography in those films captured the speed and precision of the trained assassin’s ability to handle himself in any situation and in any environment. In fact, one of the most enjoyable aspects of the “Bourne Trilogy” was watching Bourne use the environment to his advantage in combat- taking simple objects like a pen or a telephone book, and turning them into lethal weapons. Likewise, one of the most enjoyable aspects of Bourne as a character is that he’s an incredibly smart man, constantly staying one step ahead and out-smarting other smart men.

Developer, High Moon Studios’ take on the Bourne franchise is true to the style of the Liman films, but doesn’t carry over Bourne’s… ahem… identity as a out-witter. As a result, “The Bourne Conspiracy” is visually satisfying, but a simpler game than the title character deserves.

“Conspiracy” ties into the “Bourne Trilogy” with flashback missions that serve as a lead-in to “The Bourne Identity.” Elements of the films, and almost-direct reproductions of key scenes are used to tie the missions together and really make the game feel like an extension of the films. Though Matt Damon did not lend his likeness or voice to the game’s protagonist, the look of Bourne is still satisfying- getting Bourne’s movements down is much more key than making sure he looks like Damon.

And Bourne’s movements are spot on. When in hand-to-hand combat, the action will slow down at key points to initiate a quick-time event, where the player needs to hit a sequence of buttons in order to successfully dodge or counter-attack oncoming enemies. Once the sequence is complete, the action speeds up in double-time to reflect the film’s sense of speed. In this respect, High Moon Studios nails the feeling of Bourne just right.

Unfortunately, the level-progression of the game is a little bland and leaves much to be desired. Levels are linear, with little flexibility or room for spontaneity- very un-Bourne; and though players are encouraged to use stealth to accomplish their missions- the inability to diverge off the set path combined with poor stealth mechanics, means that most missions result in unwarranted gunfights or hand-to-hand fighting.

Which leads to another complaint: High Moon Studios obviously wanted players to be able to fight like Bourne, and so took a lot of time to make sure that melee sections felt more like a fighting game than a traditional action game. As a result, the action can feel choppy: one moment players are in cover-based shoot out, but as soon as an enemy comes close enough, a short cutscene begins and transitions the game into a fighting segment.

One major problem is that while Bourne is fighting one person, he’s frequently being shot by other enemies that are off-screen and impossible to deal with; the other problem is that the fighting is only conveyed by three buttons, and none of them feel responsive enough to be satisfying. Why a full fighting system with controls reminiscent of “Street Fighter” or “SoulCalibur” wasn’t implemented is completely beyond me. Instead, we are left with a combo-less, handicapped fighting segment in a game that thrives on fighting.

What is very fun in the fighting segments, however, are the “Takedowns” that allow players to hit a single button for a special move that transitions to a short cut-scene showing Bourne kicking serious butt. Many of these takedowns are environmental specific, which means that after a while, players will begin to look for sinks, car doors, and windows to throw an enemy’s head through. With a more traditional fighting-genre combat system, however, these “Takedowns” could be tied to a “special move” button combination that would make accomplishing the “takedown” even more satisfying.

Nevertheless, what High Moon Studios has in “The Bourne Conspiracy” is an awesome beginning to a game franchise that could become phenomenal with more maturity and, unfortunately, more development dollars. A bigger budget or a more dedicated publisher could really turn this franchise into a spy-thriller worthy of competing with the “Splinter Cells” and the “Metal Gears” of the future. Its shortcomings, however, are what keep it as a rental-only recommendation- but here’s to hoping that the Bourne name is strong enough to warrant a sequel with more time and depth in development.

While perusing the VG Classifieds on the ol’ web, I stumbled upon this delightful recruiting poster:

Which makes me wish this was a real ad for Mortal Kombat- because that’s what the series needs.

Well what should show up to my house a couple of days before its American release date, but Nintendo’s latest foray into getting everyone in the world to purchase a Wii.

Wii Fit, the balance-enhancing, get-your-butt off-the-couch interactive exercise coach arrived with everything you see here: Wii Fit Balance Board, game, a pair of Wii Fit booties for me to wear with special non-slip rubber grips, and a towel for me to wipe the gallons of sweat that is sure to pour from my face as I whip myself back into shape- Nintendo-style.

(who, by the way, has the most un-athletic looking mascot I could imagine: a short, stout Italian plumber who looks like he’s had one too many meatballs. Really- I’m taking fitness advice from this company? But I digress…)

I remove the Wii Balance Board from its box, sync it wirelessly with the Wii (a wireless board = a very good thing in aesthetics and likelihood of it being used more often), and begin my journey to see if a video game will indeed get me into better shape.

The front-end of the Wii Fit setup is pretty non-gamer friendly. The presentation is crisp, relaxed, and minimalist- a good thing for those who fear that turning on a game system will result in machine gun blasts and car chases. The Wii may not be the most hardcore of gaming systems, but it is definitely the most accessible.

After selecting my Mii avatar, Wii Fit begins to save a body profile for me. The profile will rate my balance, center of gravity, weight, and BMI (Body Mass Index).

Now, I don’t think of myself as THAT out of shape, however I do have a terrible body image about myself; as such, having a video game weigh me, determine my BMI, and display it up on my TV isn’t exactly the equivalent of fun videogaming as, say, “Call of Duty 4.” The moment of truth is here, after monitoring me on the Wii Board for a moment, the next screen spits out:

Ok Nintendo- you’re lucky, I will continue to play your fitness game…

And play I do, the balance and strength training exercises, though they look like rehab for stroke patients, are actually really fun and will probably get a lot of folks who feel embarrassed to go to a gym, to get up and start exercising. Wii Fit, and moreover the Wii Board, are just the tip of the iceberg as to how game companies can use the balancing dynamic in their games, or to make a really good fitness coach program- just imagine when Nike gets into the software development gig, now that they have a perfect opening.

And I just want to call it right now: because the Wii Board connects wirelessly over Bluetooth- will someone PLEASE make a fitness program that can utilize the board for my Mac that I can save all of the information, so much so, that it looks like Ivan Drago’s training profile?

Skills I will never have, nor hope to even come close to having.  100% drumming on Expert for NIN’s “Perfect Drug.” The only thing harder would be actually coming up with the drum line yourself, then having to remember it the next time.

The Summer Blockbuster season is here: Iron Man makes his feature debut and following him are old favorites like The Hulk, Indiana Jones, and Batman. Heck, even the crews of “The X-Files” and “The Mummy” are returning for another summer chocked with action at the theaters.

Despite what cinephiles may say, the Blockbuster season did not start last Friday with the release of “Iron Man,” but just a few days earlier when throngs of gamers lined up for the midnight-release of Rockstar Games’ highly-anticipated “Grand Theft Auto IV.”

Sure, there have been other video games released in the past month, but when it comes down to it- if you own a PS3 or an Xbox 360, and you are old enough to play an M-rated game (shame on you if you aren’t and are still playing), the only game worth talking about is “GTA IV.”

So next month, I promise to have a wealth of wholesome, family-friendly titles to talk about- most likely “Mario Kart Wii” and Stephen Spielberg’s “Boom Blox.” But for a title as massive in both technical scope and controversy as “GTA IV,” it deserves its own dedicated month.

Kids, go turn on “Hanna Montana” or something, the adults are talking…

Grand Theft Auto IV

(360, PS3; $59.99-$89.99; rated M for Blood/Intense Violence/Partial Nudity/Strong Language/Strong Sexual Content/Drugs and Alcohol; www.rockstargames.com/iv)

Let’s get it out of the way right now: “Grand Theft Auto IV,” or for that matter, any game in the “Grand Theft Auto” franchise is not for children. It’s intended to be played by audiences 17 years old and up. And though there will be tirades from mothers’ groups, church groups, and any other group concerned about the delinquency, immorality, and illegality of the actions depicted in the game, this is a Mature-rated game, designed for mature-audiences, just as any R-rated movie is designed for its mature audience.

So parents, please do not let your kids play “Grand Theft Auto IV,” it’s not made for them. Just because this is a video game, it does not mean that it’s a kid’s toy. “GTA IV” is illustrative of the growing video game industry that has matured and expanded over the past thirty years to accommodate a wide range of genres, interests, and ages. Back in 1985 when I was playing my Nintendo Entertainment System, video games were “only for kids;” but we’ve all grown up since that time… the industry has grown with us.

Trust me, your kids are going to want this game- exercise those parenting skills and don’t let them have it.

“Grand Theft Auto IV” returns to the scene of the crime where the series first got its notoriety- Liberty City, “GTA’s” fictionalized version of New York. And whereas gamers were concerned with the return to a smaller location after branching out into the three cities and countryside represented in “GTA: San Andreas,” players can rest assured that this Liberty City- but its changed since you’ve been away.

Density is the name of the game when it comes to Liberty City’s design in “GTA IV.” Though approximately the same square mileage as seen in “Grand Theft Auto III,” everything in the “GTA IV” version of Liberty City is taller, more crowded, better lit, and built from the outside in: buildings have interiors meant for exploration, pedestrians carry on their own activities throughout the day (including committing their own crimes for which police pursue them), and real-time weather accompanies an improved day/night cycle. Truly, this feels like a metropolis with its own life, you just happen to be visiting.

Stepping into the Liberty City harbor, players are introduced to their protagonist, Nico Bellic- literally fresh off the boat from an unidentified Eastern European country. Nico arrives to Liberty City after hearing about all of the wonderful opportunities his cousin, Roman, has experienced since moving to the States. Upon meeting Roman, Nico realizes that there is no mansion, no sports car, no harem of women waiting upon Roman hand and foot- Roman is scraping by in the Slavic-sounding section of Liberty City- the land of milk and honey, this is not.

Nico, trying to run from his past and make a better life for himself, finds that “everytime he tries to get out, they pull him back in!” The only Opportunities in this Land are the kind that come from carrying a big gun and using it often.

Rockstar Games has successfully made a protagonist that has a vulnerability to him- you may actually feel a little sympathetic towards Nico. Like in other great crime stories, though his actions are despicable, but based on the amazing amount of back-story players learn about Nico and his past, you can also understand why he feels forced to do the things he does. That is the sign of solid character development.

All of the standard “GTA” missions are here: escort, racketeering, assassinations, smuggling, etc. As Nico meets new contacts throughout Liberty City, he’ll start working his way up the food chain to achieve the American Dream- lots and lots of power. Though players can barrel through the entire game in order to complete all the missions and conclude the main narrative story- existing in Liberty City is really what the experience of “GTA IV” is all about. Whether its courting a girlfriend at a comedy show, playing pool with an “associate,” or getting drunk and hanging out at a strip club with Roman, all of the sights and sounds of Liberty City are yours to experience at your leisure. When not forming relationships with other characters, players are always free to swipe a car and go for a joyride to find side quests, hidden items, or stunt ramps to launch your ride from.

And yes, there is a “Drunk Driving” mode. If you hit the bars and get plastered, you either have to stumble home- tripping every few steps, or hop in a car and try to make your way as the camera blurs out and shakes with so much swish that I almost got sick and dizzy in real life. Of course, there’s always the option to call a cab to have a safe ride home, but it wouldn’t be “Grand Theft Auto” if there wasn’t something new that warranted an eye roll and an “I can’t believe they did that.”

The experience of “GTA IV” is so engrossing and monumental, that completing the game 100% will net the first several players to accomplish this feat, an actual Key to the City, produced and given out by Rockstar Games.

And if that isn’t enough- there’s a full multiplayer part of the game where players can drop into Liberty City with up to 16 players in a variety of game modes from traditional Deathmatch and Racing, to objective-based missions, to a “GTA” race that takes a page of inspiration out of “Death Race 3000,” and my favorite- Cops ‘n’ Crooks, which has one team of police chasing down a team of robbers desperately trying to get away. There’s also a free-for-all mode where players can exist within Liberty City together, with no particular objectives, and let their creative/destructive minds run wild.

Mechanically, this is all presented with a complete overhaul to the horribly frustrating controls that players have become accustomed to all of these years. Driving is left relatively unchanged, with only more realistic physics and weight to make handling vehicles more of a skill; on-foot combat and gunplay, however, is drastically different than in the past “Grand Theft Auto” games- making targeting, shooting, and adjusting on the fly much more manageable and a very welcomed change.

When demonstrating the game to someone earlier this week, they remarked “I can’t believe how violent it is.” I responded by asking whether it was any more violent than R-rated movies like “Heat,” “Scarface,” “Goodfellas,” or any other film depicting the seedy underbelly of society?

In terms of the levels of violence alone, the answer is no: all involve amoral protagonists pushed to their limits, turning to crime as their hope for saving their crumbling livelihoods; all involve the loss of pedestrian life caught in the cross-fire of their actions; all involve the murdering of police officers when their backs are against the wall. The “GTA” series has never been any more violent or excessive than any movie available on the shelves at your local Blockbuster; in fact, compared to many of the torture-horror films like the “Saw” or “Hostel” series, “GTA” is much less graphic.

Of course the apples-to-apples comparison of R-rated movies to M-rated games isn’t exactly appropriate; a direct comparison between the two fails to take into account the level of interaction that is inherent in games and which is lacking in film. The active participation in these criminal acts is much worse than the passive observation of them in a movie, or so the argument goes. Whether this argument elevates games as having a greater negative effect on the mind than movies, and therefore warranting some stricter protection or censorship, is still hotly debated- both in and out of the legislature.

Anecdotally, I regard myself as an incredibly well-rounded and mentally-stable individual, and I can say that prolonged exposure to any type of violent media leaves me with such a general feeling of cruddiness that a hot shower and a steady diet of looking at adorable pictures of kittens is needed to pull me back to the hum-drum of modern life. I can understand how someone with less mental stability, exposed for hours a day to such violent material- be it in games, movies, television, or music- could be negatively affected.

But I digress. Bottom line: Liberty City is nowhere I’d want to live, but a heck of a place to visit time and time again. The sheer scope of this game is enough to last most gamers until the holiday season before looking for something new to play.